I don’t know why I got the idea to dig into my past, giving the fact that this is a very upsetting process. Non of us likes to remember the bad stuff that happened in the past, but I do think it is a good idea for everyone to kinda of look back and maybe find what triggers insecurities that we have today. Now, I am not the one to feel sorry for myself and blaming things that were said to me as a child for how I feel today. I think that there are a lost of factors effecting us as humans during our lifetime. We are emotional beings, fragile in our own way. Non the less, childhood memories unfortunately play quite a big role in who we are today.
I was never a small child, a petite cute girly girl who fit right in with everyone else. I was taller then everyone, bigger, had a very full set of hair and fringe that made my head look even larger than the rest of my body. But looking back at my childhood photos I think I looked cute and funny. This photos make me laugh every time I see them, in a good way. Unfortunately, as it usually goes, kids around me did not think of me as cute. I can never grasp how it is possible that kids at such young age can be so fricking mean. Like… when did they have time to learn what is considered beautiful and what is not? I sure as hell was not learning about dieting and exercising at the time. In fact, I was more concerned what my toys were doing home without me. So i guess that is why I was mostly called fat – ha ha, I know, very original. Continuously, bad words kept coming at my way in middle school and you know what? It made me very bitter and very angry at the whole world. I did not like myself at that time because I went from being this confident little girl with big imagination and kind thought to this unsettled person who was crying all the time and taking her rage out on people around her. I have myself to blame here too, because I’ve let the bad thoughts get the best of me and I do feel that the way we think, shapes the way we are.
Then the high school started. Great! A brand new, clean start for me! Now I get to make bunch of friends, be popular and have everyone love me, I thought. But funny enough, that didn’t happen and now looking back I am glad that it didn’t. I was very shy at the beginning, I had no idea how to talk to anyone, especially boys. Social situations made me uncomfortable as hell. I hated getting stuck in a bus with someone because I had a lot to talk about, but couldn’t get myself to say it. It probably made me look like this weird person that constantly tried to fit in and that wanted wrong people to like her. But, as the time went by I’ve come to a conclusion that there are people who like me for who I am and that with people who don’t like me, I have nothing to talk about in a first place. The reason I felt uncomfortable with them was because we didn’t have a lot of things in common. Anyways, I’ve realised that it was not always about me, it was about other people too.
Despite everything I think I had a pretty awesome childhood. I gained friends for life and hung out with beautiful people who made every single day of mine rich. Sometimes I feel sorry because I was not thankful for them enough at the time. The only thing that makes my heart ache is when I think of this little girl, who parents loved more than anything in the world, being changed because of thing other people said to her and about her. I’ve lost that girl, but I am getting her back!
Finally the lessons here is:
- You are unique and special in your own way.
- There are always people who will appreciate your uniqueness and specialness, be thankful for them.
- Do not let bad words and thought those words create, create you as a person.
- Stop trying to prove yourself to everyone, it is not always about you, it is about other people too.
- Do not change others or for others, change yourself for you.
- Find your little self again (and if you were a little prick that liked to put other people down, fix that) 🙂